Processing Election Emotions: A Path to Meaningful Conversations
If you have people in your family that do not like holidays, then they may be even more difficult to be with due to the results of the elections in 2024. It is especially important to start talking with an individual like this, since they first have to process the feelings about the election and then they need to work on processing through their feelings about the holidays. I am going to address both of these.
I will start out by addressing the election that was written by Jennifer Rubin for The Washington Post on November 10, 2024, at 7:45 AM EST. I was attracted to her article, “Stop obsessing about the election and start talking to fellow citizens.” It’s vital for the Washington-centric world to turn its focus outward, to understand people’s lives, since it caught my attention. Even before reading the article, I thought this is what I need to do. Here are some of the comments she made that helped me move forward:
“Understandably, in the wake of a stunning national election, scores of media outlet, pundits and politicians have turned their attention to dissecting the results, attempting to explain the decline of democratic norms and civic virtue, exploring the right-wing media ecosystem, analyzing the Democrats problems, and delving into dozens of other topics. Some of this is necessary and valuable for politicians planning future campaigns and for think tanks devising their next big idea.”
Then she goes into what I think is necessary for us, which is a bit of humility among political insiders and observers like you and me. “Sometimes individual things (e.g., then-FBI Director James B. Comey’s intervention before the 2016 election) will be decisive in an election; sometimes the cumulative effect of enormous trends such as globalization or inflation will move the electorate just enough to determine the outcome. Qualifying the significance of any single factor isn’t possible.”
We must realize that much of how we are governed and certainly a major of lives goes on beyond Washinton and outside the purview of national media coverage. Where the media, politicians, and think tanks need to examine is the results of the national decision on individual lives and communities. Here is an example she uses, “When, for example, Americans began to understand the stories of individual women affected by state abortion bans, it was enlightening and horrifying. The result, judging from the passage of measures supporting abortion access even in red states, has been a revulsion against extremism. Abstract measures erected on a tower of empty rhetoric could not withstand close examination of those bans’ effect on individual women, their families, communities and workplaces, or on medical schools and the medical professionals more generally. That sort of information and analysis does not come in 30-second sound bite on cable news.”
I think her point about researchers, reporters, think tankers and policymakers need to get out of Washington and take a look at the impact on hospitals, day-care centers and classrooms throughout our country. These are the central places of American’s lives. If we have personal stories, which is irrefutable data, then we can have conversations that will lead to solutions.
She asked us to look at specific areas. “Hundreds of billions of dollars have been invested in infrastructure and chip manufacturing, and green energy, yet we know little about these programs’ on communities, on the workers hired, on their families and on development of the region around them. Basic questions about matters such as income and mental health in these areas deserve close attention. Who are these people? And who are those who did not find meaningful work, a place in their community and improved self-worth, despite massive investment?”
Rubin goes into a discussion about the endless discussions we have had from the pandemic’s impact on mental health and on children’s education. What has happened to children as a result of this and does it affect all classes, races and genders? How are we to address these issues? Fact-finding is not going to answer these questions. We need to talk with people whose lives are unfamiliar to us. If journalist and politicians are going to understand their audience, it is essential to gather stories from American people. The decline of the local media has truly been a tragedy, and not having as many investigative journalist is disturbing, since they bring forth the truth of what is going on with people in our country. Now, the national outlets for news have the resources to do what is needed and they need to connect with citizen journalist in local communities.
We need to remember that filmmakers, artists, novelists, nonfiction writers and playwrights can give us “vivid portraits of life in American.” We also need to make an effort to find out about “Americans who don’t live like us, think like us, read the same media or listen to the same voices. This may not lead to winning the next election; however, it will give us a greater sense of shared experiences and those that are different. Hopefully, this process will help us all develop empathy. We need shared experiences and to empathize as we converse with each other. In making an effort to understand our neighbors, we will also need to broaden our understanding to those who have never enjoyed the holidays.
Why Some People Dislike Holidays: Understanding the Roots of Negativity
There are people who do not like holidays. This group is sometimes hard to understand; however, these are some of the reasons that I have been given for not liking the holidays.
- They grew up in a birth group that had exceedingly tough times during the holidays, since their parents were alcoholics, drug addicts, workaholics or other addictions, who contributed to holidays being a period of pain and misery or a major disappointment.
- They hated being at home since the holidays were not relaxing, since adult drunks get into fights that can be very scary to children and those memories do not go away easily.
- If the parent was a workaholic and could not be at work, they were snappy, irritable and wanting people to do work in the home during the holidays.
With Holidays described by these three examples, they were not fun or enjoyable. People hold on to these experiences and carry them into their adult lives. They bring these kinds of experiences they have not resolved into their adult relationships and into the families they create. They continue to create the same experiences that they had as a child, adolescent, or young adult as they grow older and attempt to build relationships. They stay judgmental and unhappy about the holidays.
This same group of people often find going to their place where they grew up for the holidays creates greater problems; yet, they have not found ways to set boundaries and refuse to participate in their old style of behavior. People who are associated with them end up feeling frustrated and disgusted, since they want the holidays to be fun and they want to celebrate the holidays. It is important to consider what they experienced and then realize how we all need to be conscious of what may be happening in neighborhood or residential area.
Breaking Cycles of Pain: Strategies for Embracing the Holidays
Let’s look at things that might bring this person more acceptance of holidays and even discover ways to let go of their past:
- If there is alcoholism in the home, then children need to learn how to use the phone to call for help. Children can ask for help from an adult at school, a family member who live differently from the parents, or call 911 for help. If family members know that children are having difficulties, then it is important for the family member to seek help for the children. Anyone that is a professional in the mental health, medical field, school personnel, churches or other organizations are responsible for reporting these kinds of situations about families. Neighbors can report these situations.
- Problems of “going home” to the parent or family gatherings during the holidays. The economy, the election and politics have polarized family units, and long drawn-out difficulties are not easily resolved. If the family does not have the skills to resolve the differences, then the conflicts will continue to happen at family holiday gatherings. There are specific suggestions I would give you for these kinds of situations. Plan ahead–Think of neutral topics of conversation; resolve to not eat or drink things that are not good for you, schedule walks alone, decide when you will leave and stick to the plan.
- Other things you can do is arrange with your friends to call them while away, and to be able to stay connected with your everyday world. This will keep you from being overinvested in focusing on your resentments and find ways to enjoy the time with your family or leave if it gets to difficult to be with them.
- If you are in recovery programs, let your family know you will be going to meetings, and be clear that this is important for you to do. Recovery meetings even in a different town or city still provides the meeting formats that are familiar to you, and you will hear others talking about ways they are keeping themselves in a good place by focusing on what is best for them to do when differences of opinion occur.
- Bring part of yourself to family gatherings such as your favorite pie, vegetable dish or other things that may be a part of your food plan that your family does not eat. I don’t eat refined sugar, flour or wheat, and this has helped me eliminate my allergies and other physical challenges. I bring food to gatherings and my family know what my food plan is and some participate with my spouse and myself by asking to be able to eat or food, since they feel so much better.
- Remember you have a separate identity from them. If they get hostile with comments that are different from your perception of the economy, election, politics or other topics, then remove yourself from the environment when these come up. When possible, make it clear before you go to visit that you will not tolerate hostile, cutting remarks, sarcasm or the labelling of people you respect, or those things being done to you.
Even though the family members may get upset about you not staying with them in their home, you may choose to stay at a hotel or motel so you will have a separate place to go when conflicts occur. This may allow you to be involved with family members that you care about even though you do not particularly like their behaviors, attitudes or beliefs.
Setting Boundaries and Detaching with Love
Parents are people and after you are an adult then it is time to separate yourself enough from them as a human being to be able to set boundaries about things that are disturbing to you.
One of the great gifts of Al-Anon, a program for family and friends of alcoholics, is the program teaches you to detach yourself to be able to make the best decision for yourself. By detaching myself from another, I am separating myself from the other person so I can determine what is most respectful and reasonable for me.
When my father was alive, he would lapse into periods of sarcastic and critical statements about what I did. I said to him, “I do not participate or support someone being sarcastic since the definition of sarcasm is “cutting the flesh.” Sarcasm stops meaningful interactions and prevents building caring relationships. Sarcasm hurts the person saying the statements and the one receiving the statements.
I know that all of us learn from sharing ourselves and receiving feedback form others. Criticism is not feedback. Before my father would come to visit, I would clearly state that if he “ate his mean pills,” which meant he would be sarcastic, critical and demeaning, the I would stop him, and that would be the end of him doing those behaviors. If he could not stop, I would ask him to leave and go home early. All I had to say as, “Dad, you ate your mean pills, and you know that kind of comment is not acceptable.” I ask you to “stop right now.” Occasionally, he would stop and not push the issue.
One year he would not stop, I walked out of the house and went for a walk. When I came back, he continued with his comments. I called my neighbor and had him drive Dad to the airport. He did get the message that time.
People do come to be coached by me since they need assistance in getting through the holidays. They learn how their past is impacting their present experiences with the holidays, and how to let go of the past experiences to deal with holidays in more effective ways. They can process through the feelings of what they experienced in child and can find ways to view holidays with a new perspective. (Jackalyn Rainosek, PhD, jackalyn@dtpleadership.com or contact me at 713-202-6884.)
This comes from an article I wrote December 21, 2020 entitled “Person Who Never Liked the Holidays, which is on LinkedIn if you would like more information about this subject.
Concluding comments:
In this podcast, we’ve explored the interplay of two profound challenges: navigating post-election emotions and addressing holiday negativity stemming from difficult family dynamics. By understanding these issues and taking proactive steps—whether through conversation, setting boundaries, or seeking personal growth—we can create more harmonious relationships and redefine our experiences. Each small action, from reaching out to a neighbor to re-imagining holiday traditions, contributes to healing both personal and communal divides. The journey may be complex, but it is through empathy, effort, and perspective that we can move toward peace and connection.
References for Podcast 111:
- The Washington Post, November 10, 2024, at 7:45 AM EST, Jennifer Rubin, “Stop obsessing about the election and start talking to fellow citizens.”
- Jackalyn Rainosek, PhD, LinkedIn, December 21, 2020, “Person who Never Liked the Holiday.” (Some of the information comes from this article that is included in this podcast.